Question to the psychologist:

The essence of the problem is rather banal. I met a young man who I really liked. Relations at the level of infrequent meetings, the initiator of which is often me. I'm too fixated on him, I meet other men at the same time, but they don't interest me, so I can't switch. As for his attitude towards me, he insists that I do not communicate with anyone except him, but I don’t feel any interest as such, he is very busy due to the summer season, he often makes an appointment, then cancels or is very late. I understand that it’s only me, I idealize him myself and look forward to meeting him like manna from heaven, I try not to show my strong interest to him, but I think he already feels that “she will definitely wait and give everything that I want." It prevents me from living, I change plans for him, I think too much about him .. I don’t want to end my relationship with him, I just want to let go of the situation so that it floats on its own and eventually either ends without pain or turns into something more. I read a lot of psychology about relationships, I try to analyze this situation, but I lack objectivity. I work, go in for sports, driving courses, there is enough attention from other men, there is enough work, but everything is exactly the situation with HIM above me, for the sake of him I am ready to postpone everything. It is difficult for me to refuse him, because I know that after the refusal we will not see each other for a long time. What do you recommend? Your opinion is very important to me, it is you who can straighten my brains, thank you very much in advance!

The psychologist Semenova Ekaterina Borisovna answers the question.

Hello Alina! You are most likely in a codependent relationship. This is a relationship in which one partner completely begins to depend on the other. This is a constant desire to know where he is and with whom he spends time, look forward to the next meeting and think every day only about the object of his desires, but such relationships are not the norm, and also lead to self-destruction.

You write that you do a lot of things and despite this you just can’t stop thinking about this person. The whole problem is that you don’t want to take responsibility in these relationships into your own hands, you just say: “I don’t want to end the relationship with him, I just want to let go of the situation so that it floats on its own and eventually either ends without pain, or turned into something more, "however, as you want it won't happen, the situation that remains out of control, all the more so, can become so unpredictable that you yourself, as a result, will not be happy when you find out what it has led you to. Do not shift all responsibility for these relationships to this man if he cannot make you happy, if he does not show proper interest and care for you, does not indulge you with meetings, dates and gifts, i.e. with all his appearance he is trying to show you how boring and uninteresting this relationship is for him, then why are you running after him like a dog. Do you have self-respect? You must have some strict limits on what is permitted, for example, you can still reach this line, and then I’m sorry, I don’t allow this in my address. In general, until you learn to be self-confident, decisive, self-respecting and until you learn to set your goals, plans and desires in any relationship at the beginning, then you will not be interesting to any partner, as they usually attract strong and self-confident individuals, while you are dependent in these relationships and dissolve in your partner, you lose yourself as a person, which means you become uninteresting and boring to him. I urge you to radically change your attitude towards your partner, and also to put all the dots, do you need each other, what do you expect from each other in this relationship, what are you both striving for? As soon as you understand these issues, it will become clear further whether they should be continued or better not.

Sometimes we just get stuck. On various aspects of life. Our decisions, regrets, self-esteem, worries about the future - we are so often stuck in our own head that sometimes we feel: there is no way out. We tell you how to stop being smart and start moving on.

Why are we obsessed?

When we talk about thinking too much about something, we are talking about several things. On the one hand, long thinking is when we get into a kind of loop, replaying the same event in our head over and over again.

You analyze what happened, regret what you did or didn’t do, worry about the consequences, etc.

On the other hand, you can similarly think about decisions rather than actions. You analyze your decisions to the point of complete exhaustion, and one day you can reach the point where you can’t make any decisions at all.

In any case, we are wiser when we fixate on something and cannot think about anything else. This deprives of strength, mood, energy, will to work. And the ultimate goal is to somehow get out of this “thought cycle” and move on.

1. Act Now

If you are obsessed with something - the best thing you can do is take action. This does not mean that you should suddenly jump up and run to do something, it only means that you need to take a step forward.

Suppose you are planning to move to another city. You can't do it right away, so you sit back and forth over and over in your mind about the details of the move.

And this is where it matters. For example, make a list of where you want to go after you move. Study the housing prices in this city, find out what kind of work there is, and so on. Create financial plan and set goals. Make a schedule.

It doesn't matter what you are doing, you just have to move away from the thought you are fixated on. Creating all these plans and comparing them further can help you make your final decision.

Actually, moving is a simplistic example, but it works great in all situations related to your future. In any similar situation, you can start drawing up a plan of action - and feel better. Bob Miglani, a contributor to the Huffington Post, summed up the idea this way:

Bob Miglani / © www.indiaconferenceatharvard.com

“The only thing that helps to rid the mind of obsession is turning your anxious thoughts about the future into some kind of effort and work. Act, do something, and these actions can create a miracle.

Every time I start to worry about the future, I just get up, go to my computer and start writing something or working on my book. And if suddenly it happened during the day, in the office, then I start writing down ideas on how to make my work more productive, or how to start working on something really interesting.

Whatever job you choose, it has to be challenging for focusing on solving the problem to give your brain enough of a boost to break the vicious cycle of obsession.”

From this it follows that doing business is the main cure for cycling. We tend to be smart because we are afraid of failure, but as soon as we get down to business, fears and doubts dissipate by themselves.

2. Switch your attention to something else

Sometimes, for some reason, you cannot begin to act, and then the only measure that gets rid of the "loop" is to distract the mind. Find yourself a hobby or some other activity that will completely occupy your mind. This will allow you to forget about your "thought cycle" for a while, and eventually it will disappear.

Some people just go for a walk at such moments. Writer Haruki Murakami describes this feeling as "emptiness" in one of his books, and he uses running as a cure for it:

“I just run. I run into the void. Or maybe I should put it another way: I'm running to find emptiness. But as one would expect, sometimes thoughts flicker in this emptiness. The human mind cannot be completely empty. Human emotions are not strong enough and consistent enough to sustain a vacuum. What I mean is that all kinds of thoughts and ideas that invade my emotions while I am running remain addicted to emptiness. They are just random thoughts without content, gathered around the emptiness in the center.

Of course, exercise is not the only way get distracted. For some, a great way to calm an overloaded brain is meditation. Quite ordinary things, such as listening to music or any other activity that can distract the mind from disturbing thoughts, can also help to cope with anxiety.

3. Stop talking about it

Most of us, when faced with a difficult decision and obsessed with it, seek advice from others, which is completely natural. But in practice this often means that we talk about our problem with so many people that in the end we just can't help but get hung up. As mentioned earlier, too many "chefs in the kitchen" only worsen the decision-making process. Psychology today can explain what happens in our brain:

“The human mind hates uncertainty. Uncertainty implies volatility, randomness and danger. When we notice a lack of information, the brain raises a metaphorical red flag and says, “Pay attention! It can be important…” When data is missing, we tend to overestimate its value. Our mind assumes that if we spend resources looking for this information, we will solve the problem.”

We all want to receive useful information from others, but at a certain point this information ceases to be useful. When we have a limited amount of information, we can look at it more productively. Psychologists call it "strategy to take the best":

“The “take the best” strategy means that you only reason as much as you need to. Then you stop and do something else. For example, if there are ten pieces of information you need to make an informed decision, but one of those pieces is obviously more important than the others, then that piece will be enough for you to make a choice. Too much detail complicates things and wastes time.”

4. Find out why you're obsessed

Sometimes we fixate on something simply because we can. We fall into the trap of a cycle in which we recreate some events over and over again or try to analyze an idea from all possible points of view. After many hours of thinking and sleepless nights, we eventually reach a dead end.

Psychologists say that although our brain is programmed for such a “looping”, something can still be done about it.

Here is their definition of the problem:

“Whether it is anxiety about social interactions, our self-image, our future, our families, or something else, the cycle it causes is always debilitating and rarely leads to beneficial results. More often than not, we just spend time thinking hard about events, our actions, other people's actions, or their thoughts. We repeatedly try to predict all potential future outcomes, even though most of these scenarios will never come true.

The biggest problem here, which we constantly remind people of, is that you are not your brain. We often take the fleeting thoughts, impulses, emotional impulses, and desires generated by our brains at face value, and assume from the outset that they must necessarily be true.”

To recap, here is a four-step plan for breaking out of obsession:

• Decide with what exactly causes the “loop” (self-doubt, anxiety, etc.);
• reconsider your experience and identify thinking errors;
• Switch focus on the part that matters the most;
• Spend re-evaluating your brain's messages with new information.

After going through these four steps, you can better understand how often our brain has no idea what it is doing. By pulling back a little, you can figure out which idea is causing the loop, close the loop, and move on.

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It is a pity that controlling your own thoughts is not as easy as controlling your body. The mind is either pure and fresh, like January air, or tenacious, like a taiga swamp. If you often think about the same thing, you can’t fall asleep and you dream of stopping your brain at least for a while - this is called overthinking. That's why we obsess over our thoughts and how to deal with it.

What is "overthinking"

According to neuropsychologist Dr. Kathy Davis, introspective people are unable to regulate and shift their attention away from a particular thought or concern. They are easily distracted during the day, often unable to focus on work.

One little thing can unsettle such a person, he is not able to do something until he solves his problem or stops thinking about it.

How to stop the flow of thoughts

In order to understand how to manage overthinking, you must be aware of . Remember that you and your brain are not the same. Don't take fleeting emotions as your own real solutions. Here are some scientific ways to deal with obsession.

Switch to sensory observations

The goal is to slow down this stream of consciousness and allow the brain to really process the thoughts that come up in it, rather than scrolling through them endlessly.

One strategy that's fairly easy to practice and incorporate into your daily life is to take five minutes and mentally record all of your sensory observations, Dr. Davis suggests. Try to block out extraneous thoughts and focus on the sounds around you.

This is especially helpful when you can't sleep. Instead of thinking about all the things you have to do or have done, focus on the sound of a fan or cars passing by. This is how white noise works. Download a special application with the sound of sea waves or forests and fall asleep to it. This will help to disconnect from thoughts and extraneous noise.

Sensory observations can also come in handy during the day, the neuropsychologist notes. This is specific and effective method switch your thinking during times of stress. You can focus on something else to calm down.

Admit you can't control everything

Another important aspect of looping, according to psychologist and author Paul Coleman, is what underlies the process. He believes that overthinking hides the desire to control everything. Constantly replaying the same thoughts in your head is a destructive way to reduce uncertainty and try to prevent potential threats. Constantly thinking about the “what if” does not help to foresee all the consequences, but only adds stress and causes indecision.
According to Coleman, looping leads to what is called "decision fatigue":

An overthinker can think about a problem all day, overthink it, and then be unable to make a decision about what to order at the diner.

You need to let go of the need for control and accept the fact that you cannot control all the factors and outcomes in life. In practice, you should say to yourself: "I accept uncertainty, even if I don't like it."

Take a step towards solving the problem

Another way to switch is to do something. Let this not solve the problem that you are worried about, the main thing is to move away from thinking about it.

If it's two in the morning and you can't stop thinking about some exciting event or how much you have to do tomorrow, get up and write down the thoughts that you have. Make a to-do list or just write down something that came to your mind and you are afraid to forget it. Even just making a plan of action will help you stop thinking about your problem.

Schedule your anxiety

It sounds strange, but Dr. Coleman advises planning for your anxiety. You can say to yourself, "I'll think about it tomorrow afternoon," put off thinking about this topic and get on with other things. Decide the next day that you will set aside 15 minutes for overthinking and continue working.

Practice these ways of switching regularly and you will realize that you can influence your thoughts much more than you think.

Do you often get hung up on your thoughts, and what helps you switch?

Sometimes we just get stuck. On various aspects of life. Our decisions, regrets, self-esteem, worries about the future - we are so often stuck in our own head that sometimes we feel: there is no way out. We tell you how to stop being smart and start moving on.

Why are we obsessed?

When we talk about thinking too much about something, we are talking about several things. On the one hand, long thinking is when we get into a kind of loop, replaying the same event in our head over and over again.

You analyze what happened, regret what you did or didn’t do, worry about the consequences, etc.

On the other hand, you can similarly think about decisions rather than actions. You analyze your decisions to the point of complete exhaustion, and one day you can reach the point where you can’t make any decisions at all.

In any case, we are wiser when we fixate on something and cannot think about anything else. This deprives of strength, mood, energy, will to work. And the ultimate goal is to somehow get out of this “thought cycle” and move on.

1. Act Now

If you are obsessed with something - the best thing you can do is take action. This does not mean that you should suddenly jump up and run to do something, it only means that you need to take a step forward.

Suppose you are planning to move to another city. You can't do it right away, so you sit back and forth over and over in your mind about the details of the move.

And this is where it matters. For example, make a list of where you want to go after you move. Study the housing prices in this city, find out what kind of work there is, and so on. Create a financial plan and set goals. Make a schedule.

It doesn't matter what you are doing, you just have to move away from the thought you are fixated on. Creating all these plans and comparing them further can help you make your final decision.

Actually, moving is a simplistic example, but it works great in all situations related to your future. In any similar situation, you can start drawing up a plan of action - and feel better. Bob Miglani, a contributor to the Huffington Post, summed up the idea this way:

Bob Miglani / © www.indiaconferenceatharvard.com

“The only thing that helps to rid the mind of obsession is turning your anxious thoughts about the future into some kind of effort and work. Act, do something, and these actions can create a miracle.

Every time I start to worry about the future, I just get up, go to my computer and start writing something or working on my book. And if suddenly it happened during the day, in the office, then I start writing down ideas on how to make my work more productive, or how to start working on something really interesting.

Whatever job you choose, it has to be challenging for focusing on solving the problem to give your brain enough of a boost to break the vicious cycle of obsession.”

From this it follows that doing business is the main cure for cycling. We tend to be smart because we are afraid of failure, but as soon as we get down to business, fears and doubts dissipate by themselves.

2. Switch your attention to something else

Sometimes, for some reason, you cannot begin to act, and then the only measure that gets rid of the "loop" is to distract the mind. Find yourself a hobby or some other activity that will completely occupy your mind. This will allow you to forget about your "thought cycle" for a while, and eventually it will disappear.

Some people just go for a walk at such moments. Writer Haruki Murakami describes this feeling as "emptiness" in one of his books, and he uses running as a cure for it:

“I just run. I run into the void. Or maybe I should put it another way: I'm running to find emptiness. But as one would expect, sometimes thoughts flicker in this emptiness. The human mind cannot be completely empty. Human emotions are not strong enough and consistent enough to sustain a vacuum. What I mean is that all kinds of thoughts and ideas that invade my emotions while I am running remain addicted to emptiness. They are just random thoughts without content, gathered around the emptiness in the center.

Of course, exercise is not the only way to get distracted. For some, a great way to calm an overloaded brain is meditation. Quite ordinary things, such as listening to music or any other activity that can distract the mind from disturbing thoughts, can also help to cope with anxiety.

3. Stop talking about it

Most of us, when faced with a difficult decision and obsessed with it, seek advice from others, which is completely natural. But in practice this often means that we talk about our problem with so many people that in the end we just can't help but get hung up. As mentioned earlier, too many "chefs in the kitchen" only worsen the decision-making process. Psychology today can explain what happens in our brain:

“The human mind hates uncertainty. Uncertainty implies volatility, randomness and danger. When we notice a lack of information, the brain raises a metaphorical red flag and says, “Pay attention! It can be important…” When data is missing, we tend to overestimate its value. Our mind assumes that if we spend resources looking for this information, we will solve the problem.”

We all want to receive useful information from others, but at a certain point this information ceases to be useful. When we have a limited amount of information, we can look at it more productively. Psychologists call it "strategy to take the best":

“The “take the best” strategy means that you only reason as much as you need to. Then you stop and do something else. For example, if there are ten pieces of information you need to make an informed decision, but one of those pieces is obviously more important than the others, then that piece will be enough for you to make a choice. Too much detail complicates things and wastes time.”

4. Find out why you're obsessed

Sometimes we fixate on something simply because we can. We fall into the trap of a cycle in which we recreate some events over and over again or try to analyze an idea from all possible points of view. After many hours of thinking and sleepless nights, we eventually reach a dead end.

Psychologists say that although our brain is programmed for such a “looping”, something can still be done about it.

Here is their definition of the problem:

“Whether it is anxiety about social interactions, our self-image, our future, our families, or something else, the cycle it causes is always debilitating and rarely leads to beneficial results. More often than not, we just spend time thinking hard about events, our actions, other people's actions, or their thoughts. We repeatedly try to predict all potential future outcomes, even though most of these scenarios will never come true.

The biggest problem here, which we constantly remind people of, is that you are not your brain. We often take the fleeting thoughts, impulses, emotional impulses, and desires generated by our brains at face value, and assume from the outset that they must necessarily be true.”

To recap, here is a four-step plan for breaking out of obsession:

• Decide with what exactly causes the “loop” (self-doubt, anxiety, etc.);
• reconsider your experience and identify thinking errors;
• Switch focus on the part that matters the most;
• Spend re-evaluating your brain's messages with new information.

After going through these four steps, you can better understand how often our brain has no idea what it is doing. By pulling back a little, you can figure out which idea is causing the loop, close the loop, and move on.

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Chapter 23

The main thing is not to get hung up

In any case, it is important not to get hung up on the result, so as not to connect to the destructive channel “I want it, I’m already afraid!”, Which sends unhappy thoughts, heavy feelings and low-grade energy that causes depression and disability. This is understandable, but not always possible.

For example, I am writing a book, I have a set length and very concise lines. If I get hung up on this, then destructive thoughts will start to creep into my head: “Oh, mothers, it’s scary!”, “Oh, I won’t have time, I’ll be late, I’ll scold myself!”, “Oh, you need to write something, you can write about this, and about that, just to be in time! And all in the same spirit. Naturally, with this approach, I will write at least something, and this is not at all the case, since I have a rule to write from the heart and only useful things. So, I will not want to work, I will be upset. And there, not far from depression, which, as we know, always pops up unexpectedly from around the corner and strikes on the spot.

In addition to everything else, the destructive channel begins to desperately slip all sorts of awkward failures into a person’s life, such as unexpected diarrhea, barking and biting dogs, broken pencils and nails, hated arrows on pantyhose ...

What's the job here? It’s not like working, it’s reluctant to live! This is how the channel “I want, I’m already afraid!” Works. The more you focus on the result, the more likely you are to fail.

Therefore, having set a goal for myself to start working on a book, the first thing I do is arrange for myself a good rest with all the accompanying joys. But since I am an unobtrusive workaholic and constantly busy with several projects at the same time, while ordinary people are watching TV, I am writing a book. So, before I take up a book, I have a good rest, all the hours that I have allocated for it. At this time, you can sleep, eat, watch positive films, etc. The main thing is to tune in to a constructive channel. When I feel that I have had a good rest, I begin to work with pleasure. As a rule, I don’t need a lot of time to rest, because if you lie in bed for a long, long time, you can always find a lot of interesting topics for work. Enthusiasm is born during a good holiday.

This is how I work, trying to keep in touch only with the constructive channel “I want, I want to laugh!”.

By the way, if I notice that I am tired and failures have begun in business, then I immediately arrange an unplanned vacation, spit on everything and relax until I find that everything has worked out.

This principle applies to the seduction of men. The girl wants to meet the handsome prince, dresses up and goes out into the street. And he goes, he's afraid! The girl wants to meet him so much that she can't help but get hung up. Her eyes look with excessive enthusiasm at all the men passing by. She singles out this man, then that man, thinks about which of them would suit her as a husband, and keeps thinking how much she wants to meet someone. Men feel this obsession and shy away from it in all directions.

If you notice that something similar is happening to you, you need to urgently be treated, otherwise you will still want a man for another thirty years to no avail ...

How is it treated? Make time for yourself to relax. The time when you will not look for men and just live for your own pleasure. Just take it absolutely seriously. Start a diary, write on the cover “Life without men, or Connecting to the Enviable Bride” channel. For many, this technique helps almost immediately. Already in the first week of rest and keeping a diary, the enviable bride begins to notice that she has become overly interested in the opposite sex. But since the Enviable Bride is a serious girl, she chooses the groom with all vigilance and gets married in six months or a year.

Why hurry? Marriage is serious business.

Most importantly, don't get hung up!

This text is an introductory piece.