Wrong word choice. Why Too Much Choice Makes Us Unhappy
Today, a student unexpectedly wrote to me, wishing to take part in the Audioved project. However, he did not begin by describing his strengths and explaining why we should take him on the team. He started like this: I dare to ask what, in fact, besides "Audio Scientist", you do, and what is the probability that I will finally change a completely uninteresting job, where I am "forced" to work, and do what interests me ..)»
This alarmed me. It seems that a person does not yet know what he wants, but he is already beginning to understand what he does NOT want. Therefore, my question followed - what exactly is he interested in and what are his plans? It turned out that the young man was studying at a university in order to get a diploma that would open the way for him to go “abroad”.
This is his plan to achieve ... WHAT? Abroad? Then why study for 5 years for this, especially since you don’t like the job? But why! To go abroad and earn much more there and live more comfortably there! That is, in the end, money will give everything. The goal is this. A profession is not a goal. The profession he chose is a way to achieve the goal. This is actually a scam. So it is impossible to become a good specialist and enjoy what you then have to do. And apparently doubts have already crept into his mind ...
Now, if you love boxing and train at home, on the street, go to the gym, and are sincerely interested in boxing, then you can become a good boxer. But you can’t get a boxing diploma and think that now you are a well-deserved athlete. You just have some qualification. If you can't imagine life without boxing, then you are a boxer! And if you trained because it’s fashionable to be a boxer or you get paid a lot for it, you are a layman who goes to work like hard labor.
And so I say to the student. You openly declare that you don’t like it ... And this is a 100% guarantee that even if you somehow manage to fulfill your plan with the end of your studies and going to work abroad, this will not bring satisfaction. But it will bring dependence on money. For their sake, his goal, he will work at a job that he does not like. He will not even be able to quit, because it will be scary to lose prospects in the future. He will hold on to his worthless work with all his might, because his goal is not to become someone, but to make money. His choice is not a profession. His choice is money, which gives everything else. Very simple.
This is how most Russians live. They are not happy with the fact that once, for the sake of money, they chose not what they wanted, and now it’s cuckoo. The train left…. Now it remains to wipe the pants on the ass until 18-00 sitting at work, which, although it brings money, sometimes even more, but it does not bring joy. And there is no happiness in life. Incorrect choice!
If you are interested in how to make the right choice - this is well described in the lecture "Success in studies".
P.S. In general, we do not need people on the team who see their goal in this $$$ wrong way. Today they are there, and tomorrow a different amount of money will make them quit the project without hesitation. Maybe there are not so many people in our team, but I am sure of them!
Hello lovely girls! I want to tell you one story that turned my whole life upside down. It was not so long ago. I was 15 years old when a young man appeared in my life, he was 4 years older than me at that moment he was 19 years old. We met him quite by accident when we ran into problems. After they settled down, this guy invited me to meet him! I thought about his proposal for a very long time, and nevertheless decided to agree, I thought that I would not lose anything. After our first meeting, we still met 2 times and walked just like friends in his presence, I behaved very modestly, I thought that he was for me too adult, but still was glad every time we met. After 3 of our meetings, he offered to meet me, I thought for a long time and decided to try, after a week I realized that I couldn’t feel calm with him, I behaved as if I were standing with an adult. I told him that I can’t be with him, he began to ask me why, what I did to you, I explained to him that he was too old for me and for some reason I cried myself, I don’t even know why ... In general, he kept me and we never parted, 2 months later the same thing happened again, but again he kept me near him, saying that he loved me very much! You know this man did everything for me, no one loved me like that! He not only spoke, he proved his love ... In general, we met with him for 8 months .. Then all the same, we parted again through my fault for all 8 months I never slept with him, I only now understand that this is for a guy it was very hard, I was 100% sure that he was not cheating on me. He endured everything from my side! After him, I had a few more guys and they were his acquaintances, all his friends liked me and everyone wanted a relationship with me, I met with these guys for a maximum of a month, and after each guy I broke up with, he said Vikul come back to me let's try everything again .. But I answered only negatively ... Before me, he did not have a serious relationship, Only with me he experienced this feeling of love, and I treated him like that! After me, he did not have more than one girl, now he is in the Army and still continues to write to me and say that when he returns, we will still be together! Now I am 17, I have a young man with whom we have been dating for 3 months, and of course he treats me well, but still he cannot be compared with HIM! I remember him very often, and I understand that I made a big mistake in my life, it is a pity that he did not appear a little later in my life. .. Who knows how fate would have unfolded then ... Please tell me your opinion ... And what should I do?
The wrong choice often plays a crucial role in our lives. Due to the inability to predict subsequent events, our fate depends on luck. If that's what we call a satisfying sequence of events.
One wrong decision took everything away from Michael.
One ticket for a magnetic rocket, I said. I was offered a lottery ticket for change and I decided to accept. “Maybe I’ll be lucky today,” he encouraged himself and went to the seats.
In the cabin of the rocket, I gave the ticket to the controller. They announced the start of takeoff and turned on the gravitational fields on the seats. I was immediately pinned to the seat. There was a slight creak of the case when the first magnetic field was turned on. The engines started working and now we have already accelerated to six hundred kilometers per hour. Such overloads of the body are harmful, but this is the fastest way to cross over to the other hemisphere.
Shaking and grinding metal will not spoil my good mood. Now that I've retired, I can finally spend more time with Sarah. We will definitely get married and have two children. I will work as a gardener. With the current fashion for landscaping houses, this is a very profitable business. A lottery ticket added hope for a great future.
So an hour passed and I arrived in my hometown. I hope that Sarah will support my decision. Took the skytrain as it is the fastest way to get to the upper part of the city. Getting off at my stop, I decided to have a bite of my favorite hot dog and at the same time to see my old friend. He was the chef of a small fast food establishment. It's hard to find a great eatery with Earth food on Venus right now. When Ben flew here and opened this small establishment, his business took off. Here, everyone who arrived from Earth lacked the usual, native food.
Ben has always inspired me. I wanted, like him, to make this planet a bit like home. Delivering earthly vegetation and greening Venus has been my dream since the first day of my arrival. But I had to look for another job and postpone the dream until better times. I took up the extraction of minerals in the mines. This job was clearly not for me. Soon I met a girl and fell in love with her. Love has brightened my days. I was waiting for the moment when I could finish my old job and live happily together with her.
Having exchanged a word and having eaten, I left the diner. Now heading straight home. The blue roof of my dwelling is already visible. My heart skipped a beat with impatience. I miss Sarah...
She wasn't there. After searching on the second floor, I decided that she had gone for groceries. While I wait, you can cook dinner. As I approached the refrigerator, I noticed a note. After reading it carefully, I froze.
Briefly, she wrote that when she flew to Earth, she met an old friend. After spending a lot of time, she fell in love with him again, but did not want to break my heart. Knowing about my arrival, today she boarded a ship to Earth.
I was in despair. Didn't know what to do. Taking some things, I decided to fly back. Moved away from this house. There was a pub on the way to the station. Desperation pulled me there. After forgetting a little for a while, I again followed to the station. It's already night. A short path lay through the streets, not the brightest. Suddenly I felt something at my back.
Give me money! said the masked stranger. I didn't resist. He took my wallet and disappeared into the darkness. I already didn't care. I thoughtlessly continued to follow to the station. Going out into the field (since the Magnetic Rockets are located outside the city) I remembered the lottery ticket that they gave me for change. Taking it out of my pocket, I discovered that I had mistakenly given it to the conductor. Now I held in my hands a ticket for a magnetic rocket. Now I could go back. I just had to wait for the rocket number 327, which is heading to the place of my previous work. Approaching the station, I heard the dispatcher's words.
The 327th is on the way - I'm lucky, I won't have to wait long.
I decided to once again make sure of my “luck”, and see if I really had a rocket ticket in my pocket. Trying to make out a piece of paper in the dark, I heard a strong roar: somewhere a building began to collapse. I turned around. Looks like the 327th will never arrive. Control is lost. She rushed straight to the station, and nothing could stop her! I started running! Fell! Turning around, I saw the nose of the rocket right in front of me! It was the last thing I saw...
The session is over, an announcement sounded. I took off my holographic helmet, got up from my chair and headed for the exit. It was already dark and cold outside. “Movies are getting more realistic every year!” I thought and headed home.
The unfortunate fate of many people is a consequence of the choice they have not made.
They are neither alive nor dead. Life turns out to be a burden, an aimless occupation, and deeds are only a means of protection from the torments of being in the kingdom of shadows.
(E. Fromm)
Tell me, have you ever had to make a choice?
Silly question, right?
It is clear that everyone had to make certain choices very often, and sometimes even too often.
Anyone who has made a difficult choice at least once knows that this is not the easiest thing to do.
It is impossible and unnecessary to teach a person to make the right choice.
The only question is for a person to understand where there is the Choice itself, and where there is the Only Right Decision, and the “choice” is just an illusory wall in front of him, creating “suspension” and ambiguity in any situation.
Please note that when you are faced with some kind of ambiguous situation that requires you to make a balanced decision, then your internal tension (or even suffering) arises precisely from the fact that you find yourself in a kind of suspended state - a state of chaos. Having met this chaos in turn, you refuse to solve it qualitatively.
This is a very important point: Suffering occurs when a person refuses to make a choice.
This is the real psychological problem - an internal contradiction, a clash of opposing desires, none of which a person can or does not want to completely give up.
Remember that you can't forgive and retaliate at the same time. You will not be able to escape from loneliness to friends and at the same time maintain the illusion of your strength and independence. It will not be possible to simultaneously return a person and maintain his impregnable posture. But you can always do one thing - namely, make the Only Right Decision, and then all the chaos will stop and your life will immediately move on.
It turns out strange, but as a result, we will not even talk about the choice, but rather about what this Choice can do to us, and in particular what is bad.
The most important thing is to anticipate the traps that are created by the Illusory Choice.
Let's start as always with an example to understand the essence of our conversation.
The dog is sitting near the table, you are at the table, there is a sandwich on the table. The dog wants to steal a sandwich, but he understands that he will be punished. And here she sits, sits between two fires and suddenly begins to furiously scratch behind her ear. She can neither remain indifferent nor react and chooses the third way, which is already completely irrelevant to the matter.
This is a displaced activity - doing something that is not directly related to what you really need. This is what is driven into the gap between biological (“I want”) and social (“must”) motivation. Writers, for example, begin to write not at all what they should, photographers begin to shoot something that is not related to the order.
But for some reason, our Peter does not follow the insistent recommendations of his wife.
Peter's brain begins to reason about what you can watch on TV, or you can look at the wall. Making the (illusory) choice between the wall and the TV, Peter, of course, chooses the TV. At the same time, Peter will end his reasoning on this. The choice has been made, the choice is logical - watching TV is better than watching a wall.
In this choice, there were no proposals from his wife, because it is difficult for our Peter to use them at the moment, instead of this boring thing, he made an illusory choice in which he chose what he wanted (or considered necessary) to do.
In this example, you can see how a person likes to create excuses for himself for his weakness. The brain will always find and tell us Choice Without Choice what is simpler and easier, but it will not necessarily be the best solution of all possible options.
When we make a decision, we often, instead of looking at the whole picture, can only confine ourselves to the fact that what we are going to do is better than something else, and that’s it (as in our example with Peter).
Consider now the example of a girl named Tanya.
The girl Tanya loves milk chocolate very much, but at the same time she wants to go on a diet. Chocolate and diet are not very compatible, so our Tanechka will have to make a choice. It would seem that Tanya can either continue eating her favorite milk chocolate and forget about the diet, or go on a diet and forget about her favorite milk chocolate.
Instead, Tanya, having contrived (and made an illusory choice), can go on a chocolate diet, i.e., without making any real choice from the initial decisions, still make a completely different choice, which, in fact, can lead her after a certain time to diabetes mellitus.
Alternatively, our Tanya can generally, without bothering much with a real choice, find a random article in a search engine that chocolate does not interfere with the diet at all and, with a smile on her face, begin to actively lose weight with chocolate in her hand.
A person meets a real choice that does not suit him, turns a blind eye to it and finds out of nowhere, from nowhere, a solution that may not have anything to do with the real situation.
Cunning parents sometimes say to their child: “Will you do your homework before lunch or after lunch?”
They give him a choice only about the time of the lessons, not allowing him to make an independent decision about the need to independently complete his own lessons.
From such situations of “light suggestions” very often long and branched roots and roots grow.
In the future, the person says to himself that “I will do the work tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, well, in general, someday - I have a choice - a whole week!”. The week is coming to an end, and not a single Decision from the rich Choice has been made.
Many would be surprised to know that they very often do exactly the same as Peter and the other people in our examples.
A person needs to solve some problem, but very often, instead of a direct and obvious solution (which he knows and is absolutely sure that it is correct), he begins to create illusory alternative (more often just meaninglessly opposite) options for this very choice, or even go into completely another choice with new data and options.
And then there are endless dilemmas between SHOULD AND WANT (with subsequent freezing in place without any progress), when you just had to start doing something with SHOULD, but think carefully about WANT.
The Right Decision is very often true Choice, and Choice is always OR OR.
A real choice always involves the loss of something else, albeit an insignificant one, but a loss. Very often, this relative loss of what is the victim of the right decision and frightens people initially, leading them astray.
“There is something bad, so the opposite of it is necessarily good!”
There is a Good Right Solution that doesn't need reverse polarity, because it can lead you to an average choice that is no longer 100% good.
As the saying goes, "You don't have to be NOT stupid to be smart."
Everyone knows that being smart, healthy and happy is very good and everyone wants it, but wait… I’m sure that each of you can easily name the benefits of being stupid, sick and sad (for example, “it’s always easier for a fool to live” , “the sick and sad are often sweetly and pleasantly sympathized,” etc., etc.).
Why do you need an illusory second scale where it is not needed?
To be happy or not to be is NOT a choice.
Happiness, wisdom, health - these are all the only right decisions!
Why do you need negative energy where you don't have enough positive energy yet?
People are sure that when they are lazy to get up in the morning, they can show willpower and get up. But think for a moment… that a person, it turns out, endows Laziness in this case with quite a lot of energy, he has many secondary benefits, excuses and fixations on this Laziness. He just needs to solve the problem in what makes him lazy, so as not to constantly cause in himself a strange choice in the morning between I want and I need to (where I will have to “I don’t want to get up so early, but I have to go to work”, and I want to “I want to continue to sleep I don’t want to and won’t go to any job”).
After all, constantly making such a choice, a person will eventually cease to love his work or study, because it constantly makes him refuse to Want and step over himself, realizing the Must.
A completely healthy and rational person who knows what he wants, knows where he is striving and knows why he is doing something does not need to force himself to get up in the morning by willpower, he already knows that this is required for his life and calmly ( or even with pleasure) gets up with a smile on his face.
It is not in vain that the people say “Who gets up early - God gives him”. The essence of folk wisdom is just observing those people who get up early and easily, because they are always successful, cheerful and focused on success.
You can become aware of any influences hidden from yourself and incomprehensible (sometimes automatic) decisions. If something affects you, you may well be aware of it and remove the influence of it. The idea of a hidden influence that you fundamentally cannot realize is an invention of people who do not wish you well at all.
If you are too lazy to get up in the morning and it puzzles you, think and find specific reasons for this, at least be aware of them so that you do not confuse yourself that work or study is very bad, most likely there is a much more specific reason for morning laziness (for example, an annoying workplace situation or some angry person)..
The law of life is that a person can learn everything that is really significant for him and what can influence him. Otherwise, it cannot affect him at all.
There are no "black forces" that you cannot feel, explore, see and realize;
you can discover the nature of everything that hoots and creaks at night if you just go and look.
If you are constantly faced with some ridiculous choices, instead of calmly making the right decisions; deal with this chaos of disparate trifles separately, consider both sides of the choice - the decision, think about what makes you think about the reverse (“dark”) side of this choice. Don't deny something, just resolve it and stop confusing yourself and knocking a good person like you off the right track!
Remember that it is never too late to find your own path and your right decision in any situation, the main danger is the fear of turning back and telling yourself that the world that you built for yourself was illusory and prevented you from seeing things as they are. in fact.
Probably, each of us at least once in his life heard the following phrase: “That's why you need it ?! You are doing wrong. It's better to choose this!" And we can hear these phrases throughout our conscious and independent life. In such cases, it is often difficult to determine whether this choice is really wrong. Or is it still a delusion of others, who for some reason believe that they know better than ourselves what to choose? I, too, had to deal with similar phenomena, and in a variety of life situations. And how in such cases to understand what is still guided by public opinion or one's own opinion?
When do we most often make the “wrong” choice?
In my opinion, there are several situations in life in which our choice most often turns out to be erroneous. But whether it is so only in the opinion of others or is it objectively wrong, you decide.
Appearance . With criticism of girlfriends, and just familiar women, in this matter, I met quite often. As soon as I changed the color of my hair, hairstyle, manicure, there was always at least one dissatisfied with these changes. Well, the question is, who needs it, to make my manicures and pedicures a topic for discussion? And after all wishing always were, are and will be. This is what I mean: even if you try to change even the smallest detail in yourself, even if you do not make a straight parting, but oblique, in any case, there will be someone who will criticize you for this. At one time, I was very worried if one of my friends did not approve of my changes, and immediately began to ask myself the question: “Maybe I really shouldn’t have done this? From the outside, it’s clearer whether I feel good or not…” But then I doubted it: after all, each person has his own subjective view of things, especially when it comes to female appearance and beauty. In addition, others can only appreciate the external side of my changes, but there is also an internal component, that is, how I myself perceive these transformations, my feelings in a new image. Still, it seems to me that it is the inner confidence that changes in appearance have benefited - this is the main factor. Of course, you can convince your friend that this yellow blouse looks great on her, no matter what others say. But there will always be someone who can prove the opposite to her. But if I myself, without anyone's suggestion, decided for myself that I look like a queen in this, then no one will convince me. Constructive criticism is a good thing, but in matters of beauty, you need to listen to it very carefully.
Relations
. I wonder if there are such cases when the relationship between a man and a woman is approved by their entire environment. I don't know about you, but I've never experienced this personally. In most cases, someone is bound to be unhappy with your choice, even if they don't say so directly. In such a situation, everything is quite simple: you can calmly build relationships with your chosen one, and do not pay attention to the grumbling of the dissatisfied. Who knows, maybe he just has a personal dislike, he doesn’t like your man and that’s all, or he’s jealous, or maybe even envious. But this is a completely normal situation, unlike the one when almost 100% of your environment does not approve of this relationship. Of course, you should not rush at those around you with fists and shouts: “But still, my Petya is the best! And you all...!” You should also not go to the other extreme - immediately leave this man without explaining to him, and most importantly, to 
themselves, the reasons for this gap. In my opinion, such massive disapproval from others is a good reason to think about your relationship. Why is no one supporting us? Does everyone around him have some kind of unanimous personal dislike for my Petya? Or is it about Petya himself and his attitude towards me? There are cases when people around think this way: “Our Masha is smart, beautiful (and further down the endless list), this Petya doesn’t suit her at all, this is not her level!”, At the same time, few people are interested in Masha’s opinion, and her arguments in favor of Petya all seem unconvincing. A good friend of mine had a similar situation. And what did she do? Yes, in general, nothing special: she stayed with her beloved Petya, who treated her very well and with whom she was comfortable, and asked everyone who disagreed with her decision either to stop discussing this topic, or to stop communicating with her altogether. And she stayed with her loved one, and at the same time checked who is a real friend and who is not.
But what if those around you do not sing praises to you, but simply talk about Petya's bad attitude towards you, about his specific personal qualities? Maybe then it is worth looking at this situation through their eyes, that is, from the position of an outside observer, and not a girl in love who looks at the world and at her chosen one through rose-colored glasses? There was just such a situation in my life when the opinion of others allowed me to critically reflect on my relationship, draw the right conclusions and correct the situation. So in this case, I would still listen to the opinions of others. Of course, it should not become a decisive factor, but it can bring some benefits.
Education and career.
This item primarily worries the closest people, especially parents, but I have seen situations where the “wrong” choice becomes a problem for a wider circle of people. I think that many people are familiar with such a situation when others unanimously repeat: “Go to study economics! A good specialty, you can earn normal money! It's as if profit is the only thing to be guided by when choosing a profession. Or maybe I dream of studying the life of cephalopods in the Pacific Ocean and am not going to be an economist? Such an answer usually shocks advisers: “But ... but ... how ... And what will you live on, how will you earn money?”. This is a more interesting question. If your favorite pastime is also profitable - this is an ideal option, which, alas, is not always 
available. How to proceed, what if what I want to do cannot provide me with a decent life? Agree with the opinion of others and go to retrain as an economist? I believe that in a situation like this, public opinion is just a stimulus for reflection, prompting you to start looking for the best solution. There are many options for solving this problem, and I personally would choose this one: I would find another pleasant occupation that would bring a stable income, even if less than working as an economist. Moreover, it must be liked, even if less than the study of mollusks. And as a hobby, I would study the Pacific inhabitants in my free time, and then you look, and some interesting work in this direction will come across.
How to make the right decision?
I still face the problem of the “wrong” choice, only in other life situations. For myself, I came to the following conclusion: sticking to the golden mean is the most important thing, being able to make decisions based on both your own and public opinion. In some cases, the scales may tilt to one side, but you should never forget about the second factor. Yes, I am a person who has the right to his own opinion, but at the same time, I do not forget that I live in society, and not on a desert island. Therefore, I always try to find a compromise between my "I" and society, I strive for harmony, so to speak. I myself make decisions and make my choice, and public opinion, if there is common sense in it, helps me in this difficult matter.