Happy people stumble on happiness

10.10.2020

Daniel Gilbert

tripping over happiness

* * *

After reading this book, you:

Find out why the pursuit of a dream is often more interesting and brighter than a dream come true;

Understand that happiness, which seems unattainable, may be at arm's length from you;

Learn not to think about the future, but to receive joy and satisfaction from the present.

Dedicated to Olya, under the apple tree

Man cannot guess or foresee the circumstances that will make him happy; he only stumbles upon them by chance, if he is lucky, in the most unexpected place and tries to keep them forever, whether it be wealth or fame.

Willa Cather, Le Lavandou, 1902

Under this heading, the author usually states that no one writes books alone, and lists all the people who allegedly wrote it with him. It's good to have such friends. Alas, I wrote this book alone, so let me just thank those who, with their gifts, made it possible for me to handle this on my own.

First, and most of all, I am grateful to the students and former students who have carried out so much of the research described here and allowed me to benefit from their results. These are Steven Blumberg, Ryan Brown, David Centerbar, Erin Driver-Lynn, Liz Dunn, Jane Ebert, Mike Gil, Sarith Golab, Karim Kassam, Debbie Kermer, Matt Lieberman, Jay Meyers, Cary Mowage, Becca Norik, Kevin Oxner, Liz Paynel , Jane Reisen, Todd Rogers, Ben Sheena and Thalia Wheatley. How am I lucky to work with all of you?

Special thanks go to my friend and longtime collaborator Tim Wilson of the University of Virginia, whose mind and creativity have been a constant source of inspiration, envy, and research grants (and this sentence is the only one in the entire book that I wrote with his help).

Some of my colleagues read individual chapters, gave advice, obtained information and helped in any way they could. These are Sissela Bock, Alan Brandt, Patrick Kavanagh, Nick Epley, Nancy Atkoff, Tom Gilovich, Richard Hackman, Danny Kahneman, Boaz Keisar, Jay Coiler, Steve Kosslin, David Laibson, Andrew Oswald, Steve Pinker, Rebecca Sykes, Jonathan Shuler, Nancy Segal, Dan Simons, Robert Trivers, Dan Wegner and Tim Wilson. Thank you all.

My agent Katinka Matson demanded that I stop talking about this book and finally start writing it. And although Katinka is not the only person who demanded to stop them, she remained the only one whom I still love. And if you suspect that reading this book will not be a pleasure, you should have seen it before it fell into the hands of Marty Asher, my editor at Knopf, with a great ear and a big blue pen.

I wrote most of the book during vacations sponsored by the president and council members of Harvard College, the John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Foundation, the James McKean Cattell Foundation, the American Philosophical Society, the National Institute of Mental Health, and the University of Chicago Graduate School of Business. I thank these organizations for investing in my absence.

And finally, a tribute to sentimentality. I am grateful to my wife and best friend who share the same name - Marilyn Oliphant. No one, it seems, could be interested in every immature thought that crossed my mind. Nobody, but some were still interested. The representatives of the Gilbert and Oliphant clans - Larry, Gloria, Sherri, Scott, Diana, Mr. Mickey, Io, Danny, Shauna, Arlo, Amanda, Big Z, Sarah B., Ren and Daylin - have tirelessly supported my spirit, and I thank them all for heartfelt participation. Finally, let me remember with gratitude and love two souls not even worthy of heaven, my teacher, Ned Jones, and my mother, Doris Gilbert.

Well, now - let's stumble.

Foreword

More painful than being bitten by a snake
Have an ungrateful child!

William Shakespeare. King Lear

What will you do if you know right now that in just ten minutes you have to die? Rush into the bedroom, get a pack of Marlboros stored there from the days of President Ford from the sock drawer and light up? Or will you burst into the office of the boss and finally say everything that you think about him? Or rush to a meat restaurant and order a medium rare steak that's so high in cholesterol? There is only one thing that can be said with certainty: among the variety of things that you could do in these last ten minutes, there are few that you really did today.

Someone may wag a finger at you and sternly remind you that every minute of life should be lived as if it were your last, from which the only conclusion follows: this someone will spend the last ten minutes of his life giving stupid advice to others. The things we do when we know that life goes on are quite naturally different from those we do when we know the end is near. We give up smoking and fatty foods, smile dutifully at the stupid jokes of our superiors, read books like this when we could put on a paper clown hat and enjoy macaroons while lying in the bath. We do all this by caring for the people we will soon become. We take care of our future personality as if it were our own child, spending almost all of today building a tomorrow that we hope will make this person happy. Instead of indulging our fleeting whims, we take responsibility for the well-being of our future selves - we save a portion of income every month to they could enjoy retirement; jogging and flossing diligently to they avoided heart and dental problems; we fiddle with dirty diapers and read aloud the teeth of the set Puss in Boots, so that someday them fat-cheeked grandchildren frolic on their knees. Even a small purchase in the store is an act of charity, ensuring that the person we are about to become enjoys the chocolate we just paid for. And whenever we do something want(promotions or marriages, a car or a cheeseburger), we expect that if we get this, then the person with our fingerprints in the next moments, hours and years will enjoy the world that we will create; he will appreciate the sacrifices we have made, reaping the harvest of practical investment decisions and noble temperance.

Yes Yes. Don't sigh. Like the fruits of our loins, our extensions through time are often ungrateful. We work hard to give them what we think they should like, and they quit their jobs, grow their hair out, move to (or out of) San Francisco and wonder why we were so stupid to think it was them like it. We do not reach those heights and awards that seemed important to us, but they as a result, they thank God that everything turned out contrary to our short-sighted plans. Even the person who takes a bite from the chocolate we paid for a minute earlier can grimacing and accusing US in a bad buy. Of course, no one likes criticism, but if our future selves are happy not because of our achievements, but because of what could not be avoided, then with them It is quite natural for the parties to cast a dismissive look into the past (in case of disappointment) and ask: what were we thinking about then? They are may agree that we had the best of intentions, and even admit that we did our best for them. But they will still complain to their psychoanalysts that our "everything possible" for them not good enough.

Why it happens? Shouldn't we know the tastes, preferences, wants and needs of the people we will be in a year's time - or tonight? Shouldn't we understand our future selves well enough to build for them prosperous life - to choose professions and spouses, which they will cherish, buy sofa covers that they will they save? Why as a result them attics and life itself are filled with property and people that seemed necessary to us, but for them became unnecessary, burdensome and useless? Why they dissatisfied with our choice of lovers and career strategy? And paying big money to get a tattoo that cost a lot of money to us? Why they thinking about us, are more likely to experience regret and relief, rather than pride and satisfaction? This could be understood if we ignored them, pushed them around and neglected them,- but, damn it, we gave them the best years of our lives! If we have reached the desired goal, how they might be disappointed? And why they so frivolous that they constantly fall into all the same predicaments from which we have tried so hard to save them? Maybe with them is something wrong?

Daniel Gilbert

tripping over happiness

* * *

After reading this book, you:

Find out why the pursuit of a dream is often more interesting and brighter than a dream come true;

Understand that happiness, which seems unattainable, may be at arm's length from you;

Learn not to think about the future, but to receive joy and satisfaction from the present.

Dedicated to Olya, under the apple tree

Willa Cather, Le Lavandou, 1902

Foresight can bring pleasure and prevent suffering, and this is one of the reasons why our brains persist in creating thoughts about the future. But this is not the most important reason. Americans willingly spend millions—perhaps billions—of dollars each year on the services of psychics, investment consultants, spiritual leaders, weather forecasters, and other businessmen of the same kind who claim to be able to predict the future. The people who subsidize this divination industry want to know what events are about to happen, not just for the pleasure of foreseeing them. We want to know what needs to happen in order to be able to deal with this. do something. If interest rates rise in a month, we should immediately invest in bonds. If it rains during the day, take an umbrella in the morning. Knowledge is power, and the most important reason why our brain continues to create the future even in those moments when we would rather be here and now (like goldfish) is this: it desires to control experiences that we will have.

But why do we need control over future experiences? At first glance, this question seems almost as pointless as asking why we need control over televisions and cars. However, do not rush to conclusions. The frontal lobe is given to us so that we can look into the future. We look into the future in order to be able to predict it. And we predict in order to be able to control the future - but why should we control it at all? Why not just let what is to come and experience it as it is? Why don't we be now here, and then - there? There are two answers to this question, one of which is unexpectedly correct and the other is unexpectedly wrong.

The unexpectedly correct answer is that people enjoy it when control. And not even the results obtained in the future, they are attracted, but the process itself. To act, that is, to change something, to be able to influence objects and events is one of the basic needs of the human brain, given to it as if by nature itself, and this tendency to control manifests itself in us from infancy. As soon as we are born, we want to eat, sleep, dirty diapers and influence objects and events. We begin to fulfill the last desire only after a while, because we do not immediately realize that we have fingers, but as soon as we understand this - beware, world! Toddlers who are not yet able to walk scatter cubes, throw balls, crush cookies in their fists and squeal with delight. Why? Yes, because they did it, that's why. Mom, look, my hand did this, and this is what happened. I was in the room and something changed in it. I wanted the cubes to fall, and bam - they fell. Hey me! That's how I can!

People come into the world wanting to control it and leave it with the same desire. Studies show that if at some point between coming and going people lose their ability to control, they become unhappy and helpless, lose hope and become depressed. And sometimes they die. In one study, houseplants were given to nursing home residents. Half of the old people (control group) were told that they should take care of the plant and feed it, and the rest (non-control group) that the staff would take responsibility for its well-being. Six months later, 30% of the participants in the non-plant control group died, while only 15% of the control group died. A validation study confirmed the importance of mindful control for the well-being of nursing home residents, but had an unexpected and unfortunate ending. The researchers agreed with student volunteers that they would visit the nursing home regularly. Participants in the first group were allowed to control the time of arrival of students and the duration of visits (“Please come to me next Thursday for an hour”), while participants in the second group were not given such an opportunity (“I will come to you next Thursday for an hour”). After two months, participants in the control group appeared to be happier, healthier, and more active and took fewer medications than those who did not control student visits. At this, the researchers completed their work and canceled the arrivals of visitors. A few months later, they received the depressing news that a disproportionate number of members of the control group had died since then. And the cause of the tragedy became clear too late. The elderly, who were allowed to control and who benefited from it, were thoughtlessly removed from control at the end of the study. Obviously, the ability to control affects the health and mood of people positively, but it is better not to have it at all than to have it and lose it.

Our desire to control is so strong, and the consciousness that we do it is so gratifying, that people often behave as if they are able to control even that which cannot be controlled. When gambling, for example, people put more money on the line if their opponents seem ignorant of the game—as if they believe they can control the drawing of cards from the deck and thus gain an advantage. They are more confident that they will win the lottery when they can control the number on their ticket, and when playing dice they are more confident of winning if they roll the dice themselves. They will risk more if the dice are not rolled than when the dice are rolled, but the result is not yet known, and they will bet more if they are the ones who are allowed to set the winning combination. The behavior of people in each of these situations would look completely absurd if they believed that they could not control events that could not be controlled. But if somewhere deep down they believe that may- at least a little, but they can - then their actions look quite reasonable. And it seems that somewhere deep down, most of us really believe this. Why is it not so interesting to watch a football match on footage, even if we don't know which team won? But because the very fact that the game has already taken place crosses out any opportunity to shout through the TV screen, through the cable system to the stadium and thereby help the ball fly into the goal! Perhaps the strangest thing about this illusion of control is not that it exists, but that it has almost the same positive psychological impact as real control. In fact, those people who seem immune to this illusion are clinically depressed—they tend to accurately assess how much they can control events in a given situation. These and other discoveries have led some researchers to conclude that a sense of control - both real and illusory - is one of the sources of mental health. Therefore, the question "Why do we need control over the future?" the surprisingly correct answer would be: we feel better when we control it, that's all. Feeling in control is good for us. Our importance makes us happy. If we ourselves steer the boat, floating on the river of time, it brings us pleasure, whatever the destination.

"Stumbling on Happiness" is one of best books ever read by me. Really. I read the first chapter with square eyes, not believing at all that this book exists.

It's captivating and written in amazing language! In general, I rarely laugh at books, even seemingly funny ones, but here I just hiccupped with laughter. The worst thing is that I read it during a night flight :) I was wildly ashamed in front of other passengers, but I could neither break away nor stop laughing!

However, despite the excellent ironic phrases, the book leaves a very strange feeling. Kind of depressive.

It's all about happiness though.
About what it is, this happiness, such.

This book is especially highly recommended for those interested in personal development, spiritual practices and other sublime things. But not because it will spiritually elevate you to new heights. But just the opposite :)
"Stumbling on Happiness" is such a reality check. Sometimes it is useful to learn about yourself not the most pleasant, but scientifically confirmed facts.
Yes, Daniel Gilbert devoted several years of his life to scientific the study of what makes people happy. And along the way I found out a lot about these same people ( that is, about us :)).

About how our brain deceives us. Constantly slips solutions and explanations that are convenient for our belief system. Because of this, every person considers himself smart, kind, fair, and generally at least better than most. Only he sees this majority selectively, because the brain helpfully slips not the best objects for comparison :) And we surround ourselves with those who like us and whose opinions only confirm ours. Naturally, all this happens subconsciously.

Daniel Gilbert also tells and proves that people are much more similar to each other than we think. It's just that we cling to minimal differences and our brains inflate them to incredible proportions. And all just because otherwise he simply won’t remember different people, and that’s it. To raise your own value even by doing like most, the person will feel they are doing it for unique reasons. Our own emotions always seem to us much stronger than the similar emotions of the interlocutor. Therefore, we often demand attention, although we ourselves do not show it to the same extent.

A book about everything. How, why and why we compare ourselves to others, why we make decisions that do not make us happy, how we think when making these decisions, how we surround ourselves with friends, and where does the belief "everything is for the best" come from.

As a result, you read and understand how your own brain fools you and changes the perception of reality so that you just feel better :) The pleasure of language plus cynical humor and a lot of room for thought. You are disappointed in yourself, but you penetrate others :)

If possible, read in English! It's just an indescribable thrill. So that all smart books were written like that! I can't vouch for the Russian translation, I haven't read it. But in any case, even without language bells and whistles, the material is valuable.

for Kindle on Amazon:

After reading this book, you:

Find out why the pursuit of a dream is often more interesting and brighter than a dream come true;

Understand that happiness, which seems unattainable, may be at arm's length from you;

Learn not to think about the future, but to receive joy and satisfaction from the present.

Dedicated to Olya, under the apple tree

Willa Cather, Le Lavandou, 1902

Well, now - let's stumble.

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Foreword

Happy people stumble on happiness

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